Afraid to risk in Love

Is it my fault that I’m not brave enough
to tell you something about how I feel towards you?
I like you –
but I don’t have any courage, any spunk
to tell you about it.

I’m not afraid if you’ll let me go
I’m not yet afraid if you can’t wait anymore
because I can still save myself
and love myself ford doing this

Is it my fault not telling you about my feelings?
That’s why we ended like this
having problem but we both don’t know
near to end –
’cause slowly we’re getting there

Is it my fault if you finally give up?
because I’m being coward not to tell you
about what I feel
I like you –
but I’m too late to tell that
because you’re slowly not getting in touch of me,
because you’re slowly not showing
how you feel like before

Is it my fault?
because I didn’t risk.
I’m afraid to risk.

You

You know how much I love sunflowers
but you always give me roses

You know I love the fragrance of the sunflowers
but you love giving me roses

You know I love yellow
but you always choose the red one

You know everything about me
but you choose not to remember

That’s why I always pretend that I like you for giving me roses
with a fake smile
but you never see it in my eyes
because you always choose what makes you happy
and you always prioritize yourself for being happy

 You never know what being man means

I can still save myself

I can still save myself
I’m not yet dead inside
I’m still alive
Wooh! Good for me

I can still save myself
I’m not that too far yet
I’m not falling too much yet
Wooh! Good for me

I can still save myself
from drowning
from liking you
from not falling in love with you
Wooh! Good for me

I can still save myself
I can still swim
I can still breathe under the ocean
I still have strength to be a hero of myself

Because in the end,
ourselves are the only one who can save our own self
the only one who can be a hero for our self

I’m now drowning
You made a way not to continue breathing in this ocean
You made a way not to continue to swim
You made a way
But –

I can still save myself

Quarter to 7p.m.

I just came home
And you called.
It was the quarter to 7 p.m.
“I’m so sleepy,” I said
“You just went home and you’re now sleepy?” you replied

It was a nice conversation
You teased me about how deaf I am on call phones and etc…
And I also tried to teased you but went epic
“The stars so wonderful and nice,” I said while looking at them
I heard how you sighed and it was very sad
“The are no stars here,” you said

Our destination is too far, for now.
You promised you’ll come back next month
And I believed you –
Because I know you will come back for me

 

We laughed
We shared thoughts
We teased each other
And went silent… a comfortable silence

 

The call was ended.
Toot toot toot
Seconds later, you called again
And the feels is still the same…
You made my heart beat fast
You made me smile
You made me happy

You’ll never know when true love comes

 

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You will never know when the true love comes.

It’s horrible! You met someone and adore him so much. You both enjoyed each other company. Afterward, your relationship with him leveled up: has a label or more than friends. And then, you both decided to marry each other. So, it comes up with engagement first.

You were both in love, so in love. His laughs were the music in your ears. His smiles were the one thing you want to see every day. You know he shines your each day of your life. Everything was perfect – until you know this won’t work anymore.

He’s so busy with his business. You’re so busy writing. He’s busy with seminars or any meetings, and you’re busy enjoying. That time, you knew your relationship is slowly wrecking.

You met someone. A guy who doesn’t believe fairytales and romance. You answered a letter that was written 15 years ago. It was a letter from a broken hearted girl, a coward, who left her love of his life because she’s afraid to conquer the world with him. You met someone, and it was his grandson.

You both always fight in things about love. Love sucks, he said. If love always within in our hearts why would someone leave for themselves? he said. One night, you both talk and settled. Talked about how both of you love stars and the moon that shine. You talked and talked until you both kissed. You forgot the world. Just you and him.

You stopped yourself. You felt you were cheating because you know you’re engaged. You stared at him for a moment – and walked away.

You talked to your fiancé. You tried to talk to him but he’s still busy. You said you want to end your relationship with him and he asked why. You told him, this won’t work anymore. But he answered you – you like a relationship that is different with others. You want that even how far you both go you still don’t forget each other and get back to each other. And he did all of that. You answered I’ve change.

You were invited to the party. You met that guy who doesn’t believe in love again. You know there’s this feeling when you’re near at him. Your heart beats so fast and while you’re walking towards him there’s a music in your ears. You know this is different. You know this isn’t just nothing. You know this is it. You both hugged each other. You both stared each other. And kissed.

It’s horrible! You met someone, your first love, and you thought he’s the one. But you’ll never know when the true love comes.

 

It Was You (pt. 4)

Alone here in the café. Watching lovers flirting, teens giggling about some hot guys, citizens reading a newspaper, etc…

I’m sipping a coffee. It’s been a week since I always go out with myself alone. Just enjoying this life that I have.

I remember, my mom always talks about her life when she was still young. “It was terrible, my daughter”, she said. “I always lock myself in my room and the worst is I lock myself in my closet. I’m afraid to show up in the world. I’m afraid to socialize to be extrovert because all I can think is people’s judgment. I’m afraid to hear their thoughts about me. I’m not good dealing with those things.” she continued.

“One reason why I’m always in my room is that your grandma doesn’t want me to enjoy life. As I can see, she doesn’t want me to show what reality is because she always escaping and she brought me with her.”
I must be lucky. My mother wants me to conquer my fear, wants me to experience life: to feel pain, happiness, sad, broken, endure.

“I was lucky to meet your dad. It was a time when we went to the party and it was love at first sight, daughter. Yeah, it’s cliché but once you experience it – it doesn’t matter to you anymore. You’ll just suddenly whisper, “This is more than love that I know”. Daughter, you must know how to forgive if you want to be loved and you want to love.”

 

Everything is still clear to me. Reminiscing. And the last sentence left me speechless. Now I know, love always sacrifice. True love always in a big trouble until you learn how to bring up the sword and fight until you win. Then happily ever after happens.

 

This story has part one