At this age, I realize that life is not all about living in it. You must learn, know the limits, break some rules, and survive this shits of life.
Today, it is a sunny day. Everyone is lively and happy. And I am observing what some people do, because we’re not the same at all though.
Looking someone right now. She’s a girl. She’s smiling and laughing with her friends. But you won’t see those smile in the dark room of hers, you won’t see those smile in the comfort room while she’s looking at her reflection on the mirror observing how her tears flow on the cheeks. She’s a mess, she’s in the dark but when you see her walking towards in the room full of people and her friends you won’t see those red eyes, a poker face full of pain, but you would see her smiling like how sun shining bright.
It was like a nightmare
me and her – we were best friend
and yet, the relationship we have were diverged;
we both move away from each other
because it was meant to be diverged.
It’s like life wants me to feel broken often
me and him –
but there was an event occurred, the earthquake
someone is not happy, someone is hurt
and because it was meant to happened.
Lastly, I felt numb for this often happens
me and a group of friends –
we were legendary,
we were solid
now, we sliding past each other
like we never made memories
and a history.
I was counting one to ten. I hope this world will be beautiful as what God’s thought. At ten, it was dark where they put everyone in violence. It was nine when everyone tried to break someone’s soul – raped, sexual assault/sexual intercourse. Eight… I bet eight thousand persons in this world who are against human rights, people who are against feminism. Seriously? They are too severe. I was looking at the clock, it’s now seven. I know you are one of those seven billion persons who judged people by its look; appearance, by its history, by how they talk. You just broke their confidence; it will never be okay. At six, it was so noisy and loud. A lot of people in this world doesn’t care about one person’s feelings; so insensitive. They bullied, throw some name-calling, tease someone, cat calling, and sometimes it’s not a nice joke anymore. And the worst is, you do cyberbully. You just destroyed someone’s reputation. Now we’re here at five. I just slept five times yesterday and when I woke up it was so silent. In this chaotic world, millions of people are in pain, depress, crying at the corner of her room silently, crying at laying on the floor of their comfort room, and enduring because of you. Think about it that you’re one of the reason why they are in dark without any light. One, two, three, and four. Four hundred melodies, four hundred songs a lot of people don’t want to hear anymore because you just lost its meaning. You hurt someone and you broke her heart into pieces because of what you did; you betrayed her, you cheated at her, you did something not good. Three in the morning, I was thinking about people who did suicide. I know you are one of those reasons why. Don’t deny it but you just called someone a slut, a dummy, an ugly, told someone to kill herself. Believe me, it is the most excruciating and they don’t believe in their own self anymore. At two, it is you and your thoughts. How can you think those to a person who always nice to you? Or maybe who didn’t do anything to you. At two, a lot of people who do crimes and violence until now and the holy heart of him is breaking. You can still help. Spread the words of knowledge and wisdom but first, you must understand it and find it by yourself. And it was the last water I drank before I slept. I was so thirsty. Thirsty of love, peace, and equality. This world was poured of love by Him, it’d be beautiful as what God’s thought.
Is it my fault that I’m not brave enough
to tell you something about how I feel towards you?
I like you –
but I don’t have any courage, any spunk
to tell you about it.
I’m not afraid if you’ll let me go
I’m not yet afraid if you can’t wait anymore
because I can still save myself
and love myself ford doing this
Is it my fault not telling you about my feelings?
That’s why we ended like this
having problem but we both don’t know
near to end –
’cause slowly we’re getting there
Is it my fault if you finally give up?
because I’m being coward not to tell you
about what I feel
I like you –
but I’m too late to tell that
because you’re slowly not getting in touch of me,
because you’re slowly not showing
how you feel like before
Is it my fault?
because I didn’t risk.
I’m afraid to risk.
It’s horrible! You met someone and adore him so much. You both enjoyed each other company. Afterward, your relationship with him leveled up: has a label or more than friends. And then, you both decided to marry each other. So, it comes up with engagement first.
You were both in love, so in love. His laughs were the music in your ears. His smiles were the one thing you want to see every day. You know he shines your each day of your life. Everything was perfect – until you know this won’t work anymore.
He’s so busy with his business. You’re so busy writing. He’s busy with seminars or any meetings, and you’re busy enjoying. That time, you knew your relationship is slowly wrecking.
You met someone. A guy who doesn’t believe fairytales and romance. You answered a letter that was written 15 years ago. It was a letter from a broken hearted girl, a coward, who left her love of his life because she’s afraid to conquer the world with him. You met someone, and it was his grandson.
You both always fight in things about love. Love sucks, he said. If love always within in our hearts why would someone leave for themselves? he said. One night, you both talk and settled. Talked about how both of you love stars and the moon that shine. You talked and talked until you both kissed. You forgot the world. Just you and him.
You stopped yourself. You felt you were cheating because you know you’re engaged. You stared at him for a moment – and walked away.
You talked to your fiancé. You tried to talk to him but he’s still busy. You said you want to end your relationship with him and he asked why. You told him, this won’t work anymore. But he answered you – you like a relationship that is different with others. You want that even how far you both go you still don’t forget each other and get back to each other. And he did all of that. You answered I’ve change.
You were invited to the party. You met that guy who doesn’t believe in love again. You know there’s this feeling when you’re near at him. Your heart beats so fast and while you’re walking towards him there’s a music in your ears. You know this is different. You know this isn’t just nothing. You know this is it. You both hugged each other. You both stared each other. And kissed.
It’s horrible! You met someone, your first love, and you thought he’s the one. But you’ll never know when the true love comes.
Choosing yourself than someone isn’t selfish. It’s just – you’re tired giving more time to the people surrounds you. To those people who you give more time than yourself. To those people who you please sometimes. To those people who think your opinions are nothing, and it shows you’re just nothing and just a nobody.
Sometimes, before loving someone you’d better love yourself first and find who you really are.